"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
