my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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