i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
