I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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