Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
