My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
