"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
