we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
