I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
