I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
