sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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