i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
should my penis look like a turkey
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
