I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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