if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
