I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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