Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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