Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
