good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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