Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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