if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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