I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
