There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
