My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
