I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
