My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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