How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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