I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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