At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
