Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
