i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
