So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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