There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
