i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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