Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
