Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
