i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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