So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
