At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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