I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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