i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
