I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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