Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
