I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
