Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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