Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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