You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
