I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
