Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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