Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
