when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
