i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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