You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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