i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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