WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
