he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
