Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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