I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
